The Important Role of a Father
In tarot cards one of the major cards represents the archetypical father figure. The positive characteristics are identified as being strong, caring, loyal, supportive, protective, providing, all the various characteristics of a strong male carer, provider and role model. The negative traits are seen to overbearing, domineering, possessive, controlling, critical, authoritative. All these paternal traits are seen to be available to be drawn on within one person, situation or experience.
Throughout life many relationships have both a positive and a negative aspect to them. We have to learn to manage and balance any difficult situations and try to support ourselves to get through those times and recover from the impact of negative relationships to the best of our abilities. The positive situations and experiences provide us with a rich core of stability on which to draw on ourselves and share with others throughout our lifetime.
Relationships with male family members are often a minefield as older relatives especially are usually involved intensively in our care during our early formative years. Depending on what we experience, witness and learn from these relationships we can form our own impressions of men, relationships and fatherhood. Let us look at these early relationships with our father figures.
- Father is a key male role model for children. Whether he is present in our lives or not his influence, real or imagined, is significant. As well as how he treats us, we see how he treats other people, our mother, any siblings, other key figures in our lives and we absorb his attitudes and behaviour as the norm. An absentee father can become a construct, an imaginary figure with our own story attached to it. Many children fantasise about an absentee father. He can become either a hero to be emulated and admired or a deserter and the children become defensive about his absence and bottle up their resentment at him being missing from their lives.
- Grandfather is becoming more involved in family lives as divorces occur more frequently and families rely on other people for childcare. Many people grow up with fond memories of their own grandfather, the time he spent playing with them, teaching them special skills, reading, trips to special places. The affectionate stories are often at odds with his childrens’ memories of their father. By the time he has become a grandfather, a father has often mellowed and become more patient and appreciative of young children.
- Step fathers are increasingly a regular part of many childrens lives. They often have to tread a very tactful line, being aware of how their behaviour, attitudes and decisions impact on both the birth mother and the birth fathers’ situation. Moving into an established family dynamic can require careful negotiation. There are often many raw emotions close to the surface, guilt being an important factor in many situations. Guilt at disrupting the children, guilt at bringing a new man into the home. Tact and diplomacy are required skills here.
- Godfather can be a close family friend or member of the family who was historically quite heavily involved in the family lives at one time. If that relationship continues a godfather can become an honorary uncle or dad. They are often allowed to have a say in decisions, are respected as being a caring close part of the family. Many godfathers guard their position with vigour and can be quite possessive of their position and responsibility, especially over the children.
- Token dads can be Uncles, a regular boyfriend of Mums’, a long term neighbour or family friend. These men again provide advice, counsel, listen to family disagreements and mediate, maybe take the boys fishing or to the football match. In a household with no male adults they can be an invaluable resource to provide the different viewpoint and voice tone needed from a man at times. They are respected because they have affection for the family and are loyal and caring.
Susan Leigh, Counsellor and Hypnotherapist
www.lifestyletherapy.net