Health and Lifestyle

The Important Role of a Father

In tarot cards one of the major cards represents the archetypical father figure. The positive characteristics are identified as being strong, caring, loyal, supportive, protective, providing, all the various characteristics of a strong male carer, provider and role model. The negative traits are seen to overbearing, domineering, possessive, controlling, critical, authoritative. All these paternal traits are seen to be available to be drawn on within one person, situation or experience.

Throughout life many relationships have both a positive and a negative aspect to them. We have to learn to manage and balance any difficult situations and try to support ourselves to get through those times and recover from the impact of negative relationships to the best of our abilities. The positive situations and experiences provide us with a rich core of stability on which to draw on ourselves and share with others throughout our lifetime.

Relationships with male family members are often a minefield as older relatives especially are usually involved intensively in our care during our early formative years. Depending on what we experience, witness and learn from these relationships we can form our own impressions of men, relationships and fatherhood. Let us look at these early relationships with our father figures.

- Father is a key male role model for children. Whether he is present in our lives or not his influence, real or imagined, is significant. As well as how he treats us, we see how he treats other people, our mother, any siblings, other key figures in our lives and we absorb his attitudes and behaviour as the norm. An absentee father can become a construct, an imaginary figure with our own story attached to it. Many children fantasise about an absentee father. He can become either a hero to be emulated and admired or a deserter and the children become defensive about his absence and bottle up their resentment at him being missing from their lives.

- Grandfather is becoming more involved in family lives as divorces occur more frequently and families rely on other people for childcare. Many people grow up with fond memories of their own grandfather, the time he spent playing with them, teaching them special skills, reading, trips to special places. The affectionate stories are often at odds with his childrens’ memories of their father. By the time he has become a grandfather, a father has often mellowed and become more patient and appreciative of young children.

- Step fathers are increasingly a regular part of many childrens lives. They often have to tread a very tactful line, being aware of how their behaviour, attitudes and decisions impact on both the birth mother and the birth fathers’ situation. Moving into an established family dynamic can require careful negotiation. There are often many raw emotions close to the surface, guilt being an important factor in many situations. Guilt at disrupting the children, guilt at bringing a new man into the home. Tact and diplomacy are required skills here.

- Godfather can be a close family friend or member of the family who was historically quite heavily involved in the family lives at one time. If that relationship continues a godfather can become an honorary uncle or dad. They are often allowed to have a say in decisions, are respected as being a caring close part of the family. Many godfathers guard their position with vigour and can be quite possessive of their position and responsibility, especially over the children.

- Token dads can be Uncles, a regular boyfriend of Mums’, a long term neighbour or family friend. These men again provide advice, counsel, listen to family disagreements and mediate, maybe take the boys fishing or to the football match. In a household with no male adults they can be an invaluable resource to provide the different viewpoint and voice tone needed from a man at times. They are respected because they have affection for the family and are loyal and caring.

Susan Leigh, Counsellor and Hypnotherapist
www.lifestyletherapy.net

Let Sport Into Your Life

For many people the thought of exercise evokes images of going to the gym and slogging away on machines, pumping iron or attending aerobics classes. The fact is, there are many ways to enjoy keeping fit and introducing a more sporty outlook can be a very beneficial and fun thing to do.

Sport is often a group activity. There may be teams or several people attending at the same time. Sport is about undertaking a game or activity for pleasure and sometimes there may be an element of competition attached.

Indoor sports include the racquest games, like badminton, squash, tennis. These games may well be simply played for the fun of playing, but often an added element is being part of a league or ladder, whereby people progress, playing the winners of each game until an overall winner emerges. Playing against people better than yourself is an important way of improving your game. It is the best way to improve technique, speed and agility.

Outdoor sports are often inclusive of a competitive element too. Tennis and golf are good outdoor sports. But the group sports like football, rugby, rounders, cricket, netball, played at either an amateur or professional level are a good way of getting many people involved.

Being involved in a team sport is important for more than just the exercise and levels of fitness demanded to stay on the team. It is true that to stay a member of a team each person is expected to turn up regularly for training and pay attention to their levels of fitness, diet, health and well being. By being a member of a team people rely on each other to turn up and do their best. There is a commitment made to each other and to the team.

When playing as part of a team, mutual respect and co-operation are required. Team sport is about the overall game of people playing together, complementing each others skills. It is not about one individual player, so for example, learning to pass the ball and let someone else score a goal when they are better placed to do so, rather than keeping it for oneself is a lesson in seeing the bigger picture of playing the game together, of working together to achieve a result.

Other sports may be competitive but in a more individual way. Archery, clay pigeon shooting, crown green bowling are examples of sports played in a team but as individuals, each taking turns to play their own separate game, with the results then being collated to find each teams overall result.

Even when people are unable to play themselves they can still maintain an interest in sport. Being a spectator is good for the players as well as the crowd. Having enthusiastic spectators encourages a team on to greater levels of effort. A good crowd can motivate a team to perform better.

Coaching and fundraising are useful activities that support sporting groups. Amateur groups rely on donations to fund kit, transport expenses, fees. Backroom efforts in fundraising can help a team continue to exist, and in some areas that is a lifeline to the young people. Providing them with regular activity and positive life skills in a sporting setting.

Susan Leigh, Counsellor and Hypnotherapist
www.lifestyletherapy.net

How to Be Busy Constructively

Many of us are busy. We rush from one situation to the next, crisis managing, snatching time here or there, trying to fit everything in. But how much of what we are doing is valid or constructive ? How much of our time is spent repeating what we have already done, going over old ground or just putting a plug in situations until we can revisit them at a later time. Let us spend five minutes looking at ways to be busy in a constructive way and really use our time wisely.

- Write a list of everything that needs to be done. Initially it may take time, but once you get into the habit of committing everything down onto one list it becomes a useful point of reference. It is also a good discipline. It formulates the thoughts into a logical frame of mind.

- Prioritise the things on your list. There could be both work and personal items written down. Some may have times constraints like opening hours, others may have specific deadlines. Organise your list by degrees of urgency. It helps you to move more fluidly from one item to the next. And some things may drop off the list as the day progresses.

- Is everything that you are doing useful ? Some things may be whimsical, which is all well and good, but if you are already overloaded could those things be done another time ?

- Respond to situations rather than react. Consider the things that you are asked or expected to do. Then take time to weigh them up and think about the best approach, rather than rush in and find that you have wasted your time on doing things that are not necessary or are a duplication of previous work.

- How much of what you have on your list is there through feeling guilty ? Often busy people have responsibilities, like partners, family, children, business, that they feel are not given enough attention. It can be natural to feel that we have to compensate by doing extra things, spreading ourselves even thinner. Is that the best approach or would something more constructive be better, like finishing work earlier, delegating some jobs or being honest about the pressures of our situation.

- Time manage. Keep a diary and let your day be better organised. See where you need to be and work around it, allow yourself enough time, rather than always being on the last minute and rushed.

- Schedule breaks, food, exercise for yourself. If you become unfit, unwell, stressed then you will not be able to function properly. Our car needs to be taken for a service, have oil put in the engine and air put in the tyres from time to time. We need to be maintained too.

- Ask for help. If people are asked they are often pleased to help. Include them in your plans.

- Think simple. I remember an older colleague being asked to join the young lads from the office for a game of football. They raced up and down the pitch, expending loads of energy. He looked up and down, moved in and took possession of the ball over and over again. Sometimes keeping it simple and seeing what is needed is the best option.

Susan Leigh, Counsellor and Hypnotherapist
www.lifestyletherapy.net

I Am an Individual and I Like to be Alone

Some people choose and appear to relish being on their own. For other people, they would avoid it at all costs and not feel able to cope. They would try to remedy the situation, find it unnatural and try to encourage house guests, friends or unsuitable partners to stay, even if it were an unhealthy option. Hopefully the middle ground is being able to cope with either situation, neither being right or wrong.

Some people like being on their own. They find it a comfortable, hassle free way to live their lives. Recently in the UK single person accommodation has been recognised as the most significant area of growth in new-build properties. Whether people are starting out in their careers, relocating to find work or are newly divorced or widowed many people are now living alone, for a variety of reasons. Is this a good way to live or are there things that can be learned from this situation that can help people move into a more communal, sharing way of living ?

For some people being alone is the calm time after their previous stressful life experiences and they need time alone to recover their confidence, feelings and emotions after a breakup or some other traumatic event. They need private time to lick their wounds, heal and try to reclaim their identity before rejoining the human race. Sometimes being on their own means that they do not have to make an effort, explain themselves or consider anyone else and that can be a therapeutic situation for a time.

Other people may find living alone to be a positive life choice. After all, it can be a good feeling to know that you can get half way home and then suddenly decide to go somewhere else, and have no one to explain yourself to or consider. But this life choice can also become a defense mechanism to protect from interacting with others. It is important to notice if we are becoming reclusive and shunning human relationships, invitations and friendships more and more.

For some people being alone is a place of safety. Previous relationships have been disappointing or left them feeling vulnerable or damaged. Finding refuge in ones own company can feel the safest place to be. And that can be a valid option for a time. Time to heal, be calm and quiet and allow equilibrium to return. Counselling can he a healthy decision to be used to address those issues and concerns in a respectful, professional environment. The distressing, hurtful events happened in the past. Counselling can help the process of choosing to learn from what happened, choose to move on and let go of negative fears, outlooks and expectations.

Look at the motivation behind being on your own. Is it really a comfortable choice or is it defensive, self prptective behaviour. Sometimes when a person has been on their own for a while sharing their space, possessions and time can be very stressful. But often perseverance pays off.

Sharing time, social events, meals with another person can require compromise. By finding a way to interact successfully with others you will find that you bring many positive lessons into your life. The ability to share, communicate, respect, understand another person is an invaluable gift. And in return you gain someone who is interested in you, who cares, thinks about you and for whom you also care about.

Susan Leigh, Counsellor and Hypnotherapist
www.lifestyletherapy.net

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